I agreed to come to this event knowing that she doesn’t feel the same way I feel about her. Sure, coming out to a massive festival is completely amazing and all the fun but, I want her to enjoy it and then come running back to me with a kiss and a smile while she tells me all the fun she’s having running around. Meanwhile, I’m just here longingly looking at her remembering what I used to have. Remembering that I fucked it up for her. That I fucked it up for me. That I am a complete fucking screw up. My emotions right now are of my own making. My emotions are because I can’t give up hope in the what if. She has stated it multiple times and it feels like my brain just doesn’t want to listen. Is it my brain? It’s probably my heart. I love too much and I expect so little. I know that I need to shake the, “This pain is my penance” ideas but, how can I when I feel responsible for everything that has happened. Am I even allowed to be happy after what I’ve put her through. I never ever, ever, ever wanted her to feel like she lost herself. I was just blind and emotional and ADHD’d into decision paralysis. How do I fix anything when my brain doesn’t want to.

I’m here with her now. Just the two of us and yet, I still miss her. She’s right there and I miss her.