Passionate Writings

I should be happy

Charlie — Sat, 30 May 2026 11:13:56 +0000

I should be happy with myself

I should be happy in my soul

Yet all I feel is hurt

All I feel is coal

This coal ready to fire

Fire up my life

Tell me everything is going to be alright

It’s not burning

It’s not shining

It’s got no fuel to bring good tidings

What good is a heart

When your fears are misguided ?

What good is the soul

When it’s empty and tired?

I look at my life now

So cold and lonely

I realize late, it was me

The me who hates himself

The me that can’t see the good he deserves

Even when it’s shining so brightly

Why should he be happy?

Why should he smile?

The one that mattered most

The one that made him happy

Just memories now

Memories of the one he didn’t capture.

He let his emotions and fear

Get in the way of something dear

Now he’s alone starting feel like stone

Where does it go from here?

What does it even matter?

Why am I still here?

For the wrong reasons

Charlie — Wed, 20 May 2026 18:01:30 +0000

I’ve been told that I need to stop kicking my own ass all of the time. I’m really trying but it’s not been easy. I will say that doubling up on the meds has been helping I think. The extremely overly emotional and depressing feelings have been curbed a little but it doesn’t solve the regret I still hold close. I would like to stop feeling so much regret but what I want vs what I get are two different sides of a coin. I want what I lost back but I can’t have it. What I do have is her still close and in my life. Is that good? Probably not but if we’re searching for positive things about me, it’s that I care too much. It’s true and I’m not going to deny it. I’m obviously still staying around as long as she wants me around for that opportunity that maybe we can try again. I know I shouldn’t hold on to that hope but right now, it’s the only thing keeping my head above the water. I want to make sure I have enough will power to get me through the pain but not having her be mine is so fucking tough. I hate it.

It was her birthday yesterday and I’m sure she tolerated my kindness because of it. I was so touched the other night after I made a birthday room for her in game that she asked me to come sit with her. My heart felt so full in that moment. I get that it’s a silly virtual world with digital objects, but seeing her light up in the chat and responding to it made me feel so good. I know it wasn’t what I wanted it to be but it was something. Something to show that I do truly still love her. Think of her almost every waking minute of the day. I show so much kindness in my life but the one I want it to show for the most is her.

Unrequited as it may be, her smile is enough for me when I’m the one making her smile.

I guess that’s, that

Charlie — Sat, 09 May 2026 20:25:53 +0000

I’m basically thru. Done. Finished. The memories are going to forget stay just that. Memories. I have been told what it was, why it couldn’t, and where it didn’t. My soul is completely crush. My heart completely broken. Her happiness is different now. Learning how I truly fucked it up is the worst. It was preventable if I had just opened up and said what was in my mind and killing my heart. She says that I will forever be a part of her. I’m the one who showed her that she could be loved. I’m the one who brought her to a place of happiness but I was not the one who could keep her happy due to my sadness and fear of the world around me. She’s going to forever love me but not in the way I’d want it to be. I told her that I can truly change but it doesn’t matter to her. She doesn’t believe it and will not try it again. She wants to make what she has now last and I just want it to end. I wanted to say so much but she will not hear it. That’s on me as it’s why it ended. I didn’t say it then so why should she believe it now. She’s right in her actions and I wish I had done something right in the first place. I have to move on even if I don’t want it. I hate my life. I truly do. I know that I could have a happy future but I wanted a happy future with her.

It’s a pity

Charlie — Thu, 07 May 2026 15:24:27 +0000

Why am I still feeling this way? My dread is filling my soul with a never ending feeling of regret still. This pain cuts so fucking deep. I told her that I’d wait forever and the reaction was so, “Yeah ok,” that it’s crushing my insides.

I’m really trying to not be like this but I am sooo fucking upset with the regret still. How can it still be this way? How am I still wrecked with pain of a loss so deep and it’s not even death. Just the death of a love I so painfully want back in my life.

It’s crazy how we have so many great conversations and yet we can’t share the love we used to. I really miss the love we had but we can’t because I squandered that feeling on stupid doubt and fears this world would destroy us. In some ways it did but in other ways, it’s because I let it get like that. It was my stupidity that did that.

I miss the “I love you” and the hugs and the kisses. I just miss us just being there with each other. When I’m going to bed, I just have the body pillow to the side so that I can pretend I have her head on my chest. How pitiful is that? It’s so sad, for real.

Failure to comply

Charlie — Thu, 30 Apr 2026 09:12:45 +0000

Here I lay thinking of her still

Here I lay wondering why I love her still

My heart a mess

My heart in distress

I look at my arm

A tattoo for Mom now on my arm

Would she smile

Would she think I’m senile

Would Mom think I’m a fool

Would she think I’m still cool

I’m just a child crying on the the floor throwing a tantrum

Trying to get my way when it’s not my choice to make

I’m obviously loved by many

Just not loved in the way I’d like

My therapist told me to continue to write

Just not to be so full of spite

My thoughts of late negate the light

He’s probably right

But how can I rewrite my thoughts

My thoughts are so full of plots

Plots to control

Plots to consume the very thoughts that I want set aloft

How do you think in a positive light

When the negative just seems right

It’s the right place for me

It’s the right place to spend in my torture

My box of feelings

My box of pain

My box of good memories

My life is a stain

The ink in my arm now permanent

Like the loss of love

Like the loss of my mom

Permanent is forever

Never changing

Permanent is a lifetime

Never ending

Do I end it all and cause more pain

Do I keep on living knowing my pain will still be here

These questions, they haunt me

These questions, they infest me

Like rotting flesh, only death

Not my death

Just a death

A death of a loved one

A death of my love

The death of my soul

I can cry forever

Ever more and never more

Because I can never move on

Because what would it have been all for

Moving on means giving up my love

Love that was true even though I was cruel

I don’t deserve it

I don’t deserve it again

I’ve tried so hard to earn it

But she’ll never let me have it again

Now a husk of soul

Barely the husk of a man

Friday I get another art piece

Another piece of my soul

The role I wish I could live

Because maybe I’ll be able to heal my soul

The tortured mangled mess I created

The tortured soul practically cremated

The staff of Ingrimm so majestic and pure

An image I hope will help me steer

A positive

I care too much about her

I love her dearly

I’ll always be near

It’s probably not a positive but I was able to help today

Even though I said too much again

Going at it, alone.

Charlie — Wed, 22 Apr 2026 18:06:03 +0000

Like a flower, it’s petals stand out alone while surrounded by others. I am going alone without the one I wanted by my side for this adventure. It seems stupid that I should find myself depressed to be going on vacation. Many folks constantly telling me, “Have fun and enjoy yourself!” Yeah sure. Ok. How a broken heart is supposed to do that, I know not. I will be surrounded by my peers and nerds alike, and yet I’ll feel so alone in those moments. I wish to walk the show floor with her hand in hand and yet instead, I’ll just feel bland. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ll still cover as much of the event as I can. Holding on to thoughts of what she would say or do while looking for moments to share. Yes, I’ll still share. Yes I’ll still buy her a multitude of gifts that I know she’ll love and cherish. I’ll do what I can knowing her heart will be there with me on the side wishing to be let in again. I know I can not buy her heart. I just wish for her to know that I’ll do everything possible to be the one she wants. No matter what.

On to adventures I guess. On to parts unknown, alone.

Gloomy days. Gloomy thoughts.

Charlie — Mon, 20 Apr 2026 15:17:27 +0000

Walking a path unwanted is a gloomy one. I never asked for all this despair like I didn’t ask the weather to be kind to me today. The clouds telling me that the light is right there but you can’t have it this day. Those days of sun kissed happiness are behind me now. What I want versus what I have are two separate timelines I have no way of crossing over to. Oh how I wish I could build a bridge to cross over to that happier life. Instead I’ve built a catapult to throw me across the river to watch from a distance the greener pastures that I’ll never have the opportunity to walk along. I used to. I no longer can. I can see her smile at me from there but the smile is different than what it used to be. The smile, showing she cares, but not how I want it to mean.

I told her about what would happen if and when I gave up on this life but I also told her that I will forever do what ever it takes to take care of her. It’s not right of me to say such things but it is how I feel. I love her so much. I haven’t stopped even when we separated. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to want to stay but instead I drove the divide in her emotions for me. I only wish I could earn them back. I only wish to make her see me the way she used to. The one she loves and cherishes once more. To have and hold forever. I want to give that to her but instead I’m just a bane on her life.

I broke my heart

Charlie — Sat, 18 Apr 2026 01:16:32 +0000

I keep doing this to myself. I know it’s not what she wants but also, I’m not getting what I want. She knows I love her and yet she keeps leaving me in the “I care about you but we’re not doing that again” place. I have no idea if she’s actually happy with who ever she’s with or just being stubborn trying to not be with me. I know it’s not out of spite. I know it’s not out of hate but my heart yearns so much for what we had. My heart hurts so much for what we could have had. We have fun when we have fun but there’s a wall between that fun. The wall of some other fucking guy of whom a fucking despise only because he’s there taking from my heart. The heart I broke because of my own stupidity. The heart I broke because I wasn’t capable of opening up at the time. Now she’s trying to live some life and I’m trying not to die. Trying not to just kill my soul because the torture is what I deserve.

Repeated words and phrases

Charlie — Sun, 12 Apr 2026 14:25:16 +0000

I’m some kind of stupid. I let myself do these things that I shouldn’t. She tells me these things I don’t want to hear. She knows that it hurts me but she says them because she’s happy about them. I know she is with someone else and she knows how I feel about her and yet, here I am still throwing my soul at her at every moment I can. Why? Because I’m a fucking stupid hopeless fool stuck in love. Why do I do these things? I really have no idea. I’m so fucking dumb for thinking that I can make things work for me when they are clearly not working for me. Why would they? I made her leave me. It was clearly my fault for making things the way they ended up being. She says she wants to be friends and yet I’m just letting it happen. I’m letting her have it that way in case at some point she’ll be ok with having me be the one she loves. She’s said it. She has said that she loves me. I love her. It’s true and yet, it’s so easy to let me be this disgusting emotionally broken husk of a soul. It’s like a purgatory the way my heart feels through all of this. My mind travels to and from the places we used to smile to the places where I fucked it all up. Why must I choose to do this to myself? Why can’t I choose to be better than this? Why can’t I choose to be happy and try to move on from what was? What was, was great. What is, isn’t great. In fact it’s a fucking nightmare. A never ending nightmare fueled by my demons and my regret. I swear, regrets are the worst fucking emotion killer in this human condition. The fact that we get to live in this world should be enough to make my purpose to do something good for this world be my top priority and yet, and yet, all I want to do is sit in my disgusting pity party of my own despair. Party for one. The one who caused all of this. The one standing on the outside looking in on what could have been. The one sitting in the disgust of his own actions. His own emotions. His own walls of his self made prison. I love this girl so much. I love this woman so much. I love the thing we had before I fucked it up. Now, I’m here pissed at the past me who did nothing good to make it better. The one who ruined it. I’ve said enough in this post, but it’s the words that keep repeating in my mind.

“You fucked it up.”

“This hell you are living in is your fucking fault.”

“This hell is where you belong.”

These words. They are forever repeating in a echo chamber. The walls plastered with memories forever on my mind of times when we were happy to be together. Times when I thought we could make it all work. Times when I thought, I should marry this girl. Thoughts of why I didn’t. Thoughts of my own stupid.

Ughhhh every post here is me talking about how stupid I am, just tweaked a little differently. Words that make my mind bleed a little more into the void that no-one but the bots will see. The AI that is scraping the bottom of the barrel to train their thought process. Well I hope it figures out that the human condition is full of regret and despair. Their hearts full of messy emotions. Full of messy dreams. Dreams about prosperity. Dreams of love. Dreams of feeling complete. Dreams that one day, the human might be able to say, “I am truly happy.” This writer is not one of those humans. Not yet at least. That would change if she showed up right now and told me that she’s ready to take me back. I know it’ll never happen but, I truly wish it would be something I could just bring into this world and make it true. Somehow visit my own TVA from the MCU and just go live out my life on the timeline where my dumb ass did the right thing and confessed his undying love for her. The one where he just opened up about how he was feeling. Opened up about how he truly wanted to make things work. How he wanted to stop being so stubborn. FUCK! Stupid fucking human.

Broken Man

Charlie — Sat, 11 Apr 2026 08:33:52 +0000

Why do I even bother? My life is starting to just crash out. My life feels so very empty. I said too much yesterday but on top of that, I heard too much. So much more than I wanted to hear. I don’t want to hear the words. I hate it so much. I fucking hate it so much. I just want to kill myself. I’ve never ever felt like actually doing it but as of late, the thoughts have become to much more vivid. The thoughts have flooded my mind of late. Why do they do that to me? Why should I even fucking still care? WHY?! BECAUSE I FUCKING DO! I love her so much still and yet I just fucked it all up being a stupid fucking idiot. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just knew that there were problems with me. There were problems in my thinking. I knew this. I’m trying to fix this. My mind is a mess. My mind is so stressed. I just want to stop existing. I want to disappear. I want to just go away. If I go away, nothing will change though. My life will be missing but the world will go on. Just without me. Without my ever present despair. The world doesn’t need that. I’m not worth the air I’m breathing. Why do I think these things? I think them because the only person I want in my life to love me back in return doesn’t want me back. The person I love the most in this world has decided to leave me behind but keep me around. How am I supposed to live like this? I’m choosing to live like this. If I stopped living, I’d lose my chance to have it again. Even if I don’t have that chance again, I can’t let that chance slip passed me again. I don’t even have the chance but no matter what, she knows that I’m ready to take her back even after everything that’s happened, I’m ready to have her in my life again. I don’t give a shit. I just want her back. I sound like a crazy person. A crazy ex that I would see as problem for others. Now I’m the problem and I can’t understand how to stop being that. I’m so fucked having been in love with someone I want back in my life. Someone I want back as more than just friends. I hate just being friends. I’m a broken man. A broken soul.