These last few weeks have been truly amazing but then I come back home no better than I was. Yeah sure, she tolerates me. We enjoy each other’s company but in the end, I can’t get her to want me back. I kills me that I love her so much still. It kills me that it feels one sided. It kills me that it doesn’t sometimes. We laugh together. We talk about stupid silly things together. It may seem selfish of me and my emotions but, I will continue to be there for her always. Yes, partially because I want it to work again but also, because I fucked up and I am taking responsibility for fucking up. Whether she wants it or not, I’m always going to be available for her. I’ll never be able to make up for the depression that I caused her, but I’ll try to be someone she can rely on to smile. I love her and I don’t want her to have struggle in anyway if I can help.

I’m so fucking stupid. I honestly just wish that she’ll come over and just cuddle up beside me. Nothing more would be needed. Just to hold her in my arms again. Just cuddle. Like we used to. 🥺