Here I lay thinking of her still
Here I lay wondering why I love her still
My heart a mess
My heart in distress
I look at my arm
A tattoo for Mom now on my arm
Would she smile
Would she think I’m senile
Would Mom think I’m a fool
Would she think I’m still cool
I’m just a child crying on the the floor throwing a tantrum
Trying to get my way when it’s not my choice to make
I’m obviously loved by many
Just not loved in the way I’d like
My therapist told me to continue to write
Just not to be so full of spite
My thoughts of late negate the light
He’s probably right
But how can I rewrite my thoughts
My thoughts are so full of plots
Plots to control
Plots to consume the very thoughts that I want set aloft
How do you think in a positive light
When the negative just seems right
It’s the right place for me
It’s the right place to spend in my torture
My box of feelings
My box of pain
My box of good memories
My life is a stain
The ink in my arm now permanent
Like the loss of love
Like the loss of my mom
Permanent is forever
Never changing
Permanent is a lifetime
Never ending
Do I end it all and cause more pain
Do I keep on living knowing my pain will still be here
These questions, they haunt me
These questions, they infest me
Like rotting flesh, only death
Not my death
Just a death
A death of a loved one
A death of my love
The death of my soul
The death of my soul
I can cry forever
Ever more and never more
Because I can never move on
Because what would it have been all for
Moving on means giving up my love
Love that was true even though I was cruel
I don’t deserve it
I don’t deserve it again
I’ve tried so hard to earn it
But she’ll never let me have it again
Now a husk of soul
Barely the husk of a man
Friday I get another art piece
Another piece of my soul
The role I wish I could live
Because maybe I’ll be able to heal my soul
The tortured mangled mess I created
The tortured soul practically cremated
The staff of Ingrimm so majestic and pure
An image I hope will help me steer
A positive
I care too much about her
I love her dearly
I’ll always be near
It’s probably not a positive but I was able to help today
Even though I said too much again