My life’s a mess. I’m always stressed. It feels like my mind is rotting from time’s constant ticking and tocking never stopping. When does it end? When will I bend? Bend to the will of my pain. Bend to the will of my shame. Nothing feels the same. Nothing I can feel but pain. The smile on my face a mask that hides the truth of my lies. Lies that say I’m fine when really I’m just getting in line. The queue is long. The queue to wrong. Wrong thoughts to think. Wrong plots that sink. The story told in my mind is not the one I’m inclined. The story I told is rotted and cold, denied. You see for me, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I thought and thought and then I was screwed. Screwed out of a life that was true. A life that was full of love so true. You see my mind thinks too much. My mind can’t get enough. The what ifs haunt me. The what ifs taunt me. Taunt me to take the only life I have. Taunt me to do something bad. I’ll never do it. I’m too much of a bitch to do it. You see this life of pain is real and it is mine feel. This purgatory my prison. A self inflected incision. No marks on the outside. No, purely pressed on my insides. Hiding my pain. Hiding my shame. Hiding the fact that I couldn’t keep it all intact. These words they flow through me but they are just words, not to me. They’re a calling, a signaling. Hoping that one day they’ll reach her. Hoping that one day they’ll help her. Help her feel my emotion but not to cause a commotion. I never meant to hurt. I only meant exert. Exert the way I felt on the inside. Only meant to share the pain I hide. The problem is, I shared too much, that made her cry. The pain’s too much. I broke down and cried. The truth, it hurts. The truth I want to hide but it’s out there now. I’m not the one she wants since I am the way I am. She says she loves me but not the same as we used to be. I made her cry but I never knew because I didn’t try. The pain I felt, I kept it inside. The pain I kept inside, made her cry. So here I am alone. There is she living a life unknown. She’s trying to be happy. I’m just feeling crappy. “It is what it is,” she says. What it is, is shit these days. It is what it is.