My soul smashed into a million pieces. Everything. All of it. Nothing left. Just pieces. The dust of a thousand moments blown away by the true words she didn’t say. She wouldn’t tell me why. She wouldn’t tell me when I was here bleeding my soul out to her. I, taking the blade myself to pour these emotions at her feet, grovelling. Never knowing what it was that brought me to this fate.

It’s true that we tried twice and change didn’t happen. I left my soul still trapped in decisions I couldn’t make. Conversations and talks we didn’t make. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t make it through. I see the paths I could have done. I see lies I told myself. The lies that ended lines of fate. They’ve led me to hate. Hate myself for the man I am. The man who couldn’t see passed his own stubborn thoughts. A man who lost so much.

My heart loves what it cannot have. My heart wants what it had. They always say that you never truly know what you had until it’s gone. Well I know. I know it all to well. I know the pain. I know that life for me will never truly be the same. Those same people say “that’s life” and “it’ll be ok” but truly, it’s my life, and I’ll choose for it to not be ok.

Why should I let my life be better? I had better and I ruined it. Who’s to say I don’t just do it again? Would that happen with her? It wouldn’t. It couldn’t. I’ve said too much now. I’ve come so far. I’ve come so far.

We talk all the time. She can only see us as friends. I can’t see it the same. I love her. She loves me but the me I was is not what she wants to see. The me I was is still me but not the me I will be.

But not a chance no more. She’s said the words that tell me who I am to her and why it can’t be. She wants to move forward, but not with me. My soul is crushed. My emotions broken. Everything is torn and broken.