Passionate Writings

I hate me so much

Charlie — Mon, 06 Jul 2026 23:33:55 +0000

These last few weeks have been truly amazing but then I come back home no better than I was. Yeah sure, she tolerates me. We enjoy each other’s company but in the end, I can’t get her to want me back. I kills me that I love her so much still. It kills me that it feels one sided. It kills me that it doesn’t sometimes. We laugh together. We talk about stupid silly things together. It may seem selfish of me and my emotions but, I will continue to be there for her always. Yes, partially because I want it to work again but also, because I fucked up and I am taking responsibility for fucking up. Whether she wants it or not, I’m always going to be available for her. I’ll never be able to make up for the depression that I caused her, but I’ll try to be someone she can rely on to smile. I love her and I don’t want her to have struggle in anyway if I can help.

I’m so fucking stupid. I honestly just wish that she’ll come over and just cuddle up beside me. Nothing more would be needed. Just to hold her in my arms again. Just cuddle. Like we used to.

She wants to be strong

Charlie — Sun, 07 Jun 2026 20:07:03 +0000

I really need to just let her be. She doesn’t need me hovering over her. She’s trying to be her own person again. I didn’t help with that. Instead I tried to do too much because I care too much. I didn’t want to make harder for her but I’m the problem and I know it. If she wants to chat or hang out, I’ll just let her come to me. If she needs my help, I’ll be there. For now, I’ll just hope that she’s ok.

I’m a burden when I’m being too kind.

Charlie — Sat, 06 Jun 2026 00:44:51 +0000

I guess I can’t do anything right still. Me being concerned and it seeming over bearing in my mind was all I was saying. I just felt like I did everything wrong and I didn’t know what was going on. I’ll just shut up now I guess.

I should be happy

Charlie — Sat, 30 May 2026 11:13:56 +0000

I should be happy with myself

I should be happy in my soul

Yet all I feel is hurt

All I feel is coal

This coal ready to fire

Fire up my life

Tell me everything is going to be alright

It’s not burning

It’s not shining

It’s got no fuel to bring good tidings

What good is a heart

When your fears are misguided ?

What good is the soul

When it’s empty and tired?

I look at my life now

So cold and lonely

I realize late, it was me

The me who hates himself

The me that can’t see the good he deserves

Even when it’s shining so brightly

Why should he be happy?

Why should he smile?

The one that mattered most

The one that made him happy

Just memories now

Memories of the one he didn’t capture.

He let his emotions and fear

Get in the way of something dear

Now he’s alone starting feel like stone

Where does it go from here?

What does it even matter?

Why am I still here?

For the wrong reasons

Charlie — Wed, 20 May 2026 18:01:30 +0000

I’ve been told that I need to stop kicking my own ass all of the time. I’m really trying but it’s not been easy. I will say that doubling up on the meds has been helping I think. The extremely overly emotional and depressing feelings have been curbed a little but it doesn’t solve the regret I still hold close. I would like to stop feeling so much regret but what I want vs what I get are two different sides of a coin. I want what I lost back but I can’t have it. What I do have is her still close and in my life. Is that good? Probably not but if we’re searching for positive things about me, it’s that I care too much. It’s true and I’m not going to deny it. I’m obviously still staying around as long as she wants me around for that opportunity that maybe we can try again. I know I shouldn’t hold on to that hope but right now, it’s the only thing keeping my head above the water. I want to make sure I have enough will power to get me through the pain but not having her be mine is so fucking tough. I hate it.

It was her birthday yesterday and I’m sure she tolerated my kindness because of it. I was so touched the other night after I made a birthday room for her in game that she asked me to come sit with her. My heart felt so full in that moment. I get that it’s a silly virtual world with digital objects, but seeing her light up in the chat and responding to it made me feel so good. I know it wasn’t what I wanted it to be but it was something. Something to show that I do truly still love her. Think of her almost every waking minute of the day. I show so much kindness in my life but the one I want it to show for the most is her.

Unrequited as it may be, her smile is enough for me when I’m the one making her smile.

I guess that’s, that

Charlie — Sat, 09 May 2026 20:25:53 +0000

I’m basically thru. Done. Finished. The memories are going to forget stay just that. Memories. I have been told what it was, why it couldn’t, and where it didn’t. My soul is completely crush. My heart completely broken. Her happiness is different now. Learning how I truly fucked it up is the worst. It was preventable if I had just opened up and said what was in my mind and killing my heart. She says that I will forever be a part of her. I’m the one who showed her that she could be loved. I’m the one who brought her to a place of happiness but I was not the one who could keep her happy due to my sadness and fear of the world around me. She’s going to forever love me but not in the way I’d want it to be. I told her that I can truly change but it doesn’t matter to her. She doesn’t believe it and will not try it again. She wants to make what she has now last and I just want it to end. I wanted to say so much but she will not hear it. That’s on me as it’s why it ended. I didn’t say it then so why should she believe it now. She’s right in her actions and I wish I had done something right in the first place. I have to move on even if I don’t want it. I hate my life. I truly do. I know that I could have a happy future but I wanted a happy future with her.

It’s a pity

Charlie — Thu, 07 May 2026 15:24:27 +0000

Why am I still feeling this way? My dread is filling my soul with a never ending feeling of regret still. This pain cuts so fucking deep. I told her that I’d wait forever and the reaction was so, “Yeah ok,” that it’s crushing my insides.

I’m really trying to not be like this but I am sooo fucking upset with the regret still. How can it still be this way? How am I still wrecked with pain of a loss so deep and it’s not even death. Just the death of a love I so painfully want back in my life.

It’s crazy how we have so many great conversations and yet we can’t share the love we used to. I really miss the love we had but we can’t because I squandered that feeling on stupid doubt and fears this world would destroy us. In some ways it did but in other ways, it’s because I let it get like that. It was my stupidity that did that.

I miss the “I love you” and the hugs and the kisses. I just miss us just being there with each other. When I’m going to bed, I just have the body pillow to the side so that I can pretend I have her head on my chest. How pitiful is that? It’s so sad, for real.

Failure to comply

Charlie — Thu, 30 Apr 2026 09:12:45 +0000

Here I lay thinking of her still

Here I lay wondering why I love her still

My heart a mess

My heart in distress

I look at my arm

A tattoo for Mom now on my arm

Would she smile

Would she think I’m senile

Would Mom think I’m a fool

Would she think I’m still cool

I’m just a child crying on the the floor throwing a tantrum

Trying to get my way when it’s not my choice to make

I’m obviously loved by many

Just not loved in the way I’d like

My therapist told me to continue to write

Just not to be so full of spite

My thoughts of late negate the light

He’s probably right

But how can I rewrite my thoughts

My thoughts are so full of plots

Plots to control

Plots to consume the very thoughts that I want set aloft

How do you think in a positive light

When the negative just seems right

It’s the right place for me

It’s the right place to spend in my torture

My box of feelings

My box of pain

My box of good memories

My life is a stain

The ink in my arm now permanent

Like the loss of love

Like the loss of my mom

Permanent is forever

Never changing

Permanent is a lifetime

Never ending

Do I end it all and cause more pain

Do I keep on living knowing my pain will still be here

These questions, they haunt me

These questions, they infest me

Like rotting flesh, only death

Not my death

Just a death

A death of a loved one

A death of my love

The death of my soul

I can cry forever

Ever more and never more

Because I can never move on

Because what would it have been all for

Moving on means giving up my love

Love that was true even though I was cruel

I don’t deserve it

I don’t deserve it again

I’ve tried so hard to earn it

But she’ll never let me have it again

Now a husk of soul

Barely the husk of a man

Friday I get another art piece

Another piece of my soul

The role I wish I could live

Because maybe I’ll be able to heal my soul

The tortured mangled mess I created

The tortured soul practically cremated

The staff of Ingrimm so majestic and pure

An image I hope will help me steer

A positive

I care too much about her

I love her dearly

I’ll always be near

It’s probably not a positive but I was able to help today

Even though I said too much again

Going at it, alone.

Charlie — Wed, 22 Apr 2026 18:06:03 +0000

Like a flower, it’s petals stand out alone while surrounded by others. I am going alone without the one I wanted by my side for this adventure. It seems stupid that I should find myself depressed to be going on vacation. Many folks constantly telling me, “Have fun and enjoy yourself!” Yeah sure. Ok. How a broken heart is supposed to do that, I know not. I will be surrounded by my peers and nerds alike, and yet I’ll feel so alone in those moments. I wish to walk the show floor with her hand in hand and yet instead, I’ll just feel bland. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ll still cover as much of the event as I can. Holding on to thoughts of what she would say or do while looking for moments to share. Yes, I’ll still share. Yes I’ll still buy her a multitude of gifts that I know she’ll love and cherish. I’ll do what I can knowing her heart will be there with me on the side wishing to be let in again. I know I can not buy her heart. I just wish for her to know that I’ll do everything possible to be the one she wants. No matter what.

On to adventures I guess. On to parts unknown, alone.

Gloomy days. Gloomy thoughts.

Charlie — Mon, 20 Apr 2026 15:17:27 +0000

Walking a path unwanted is a gloomy one. I never asked for all this despair like I didn’t ask the weather to be kind to me today. The clouds telling me that the light is right there but you can’t have it this day. Those days of sun kissed happiness are behind me now. What I want versus what I have are two separate timelines I have no way of crossing over to. Oh how I wish I could build a bridge to cross over to that happier life. Instead I’ve built a catapult to throw me across the river to watch from a distance the greener pastures that I’ll never have the opportunity to walk along. I used to. I no longer can. I can see her smile at me from there but the smile is different than what it used to be. The smile, showing she cares, but not how I want it to mean.

I told her about what would happen if and when I gave up on this life but I also told her that I will forever do what ever it takes to take care of her. It’s not right of me to say such things but it is how I feel. I love her so much. I haven’t stopped even when we separated. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to want to stay but instead I drove the divide in her emotions for me. I only wish I could earn them back. I only wish to make her see me the way she used to. The one she loves and cherishes once more. To have and hold forever. I want to give that to her but instead I’m just a bane on her life.