So I guess that’s that then. I think I figured it out that you have me blocked on discord now I guess because the last thing I sent didn’t go through. I’m sorry for caring about you too much. I’m sorry that I made things so difficult. Here I really thought we were still good to each other but then out of nowhere you turned really cold to me on the way out to Ohio and all the way through. If it seemed like I was trying to hard, you can blame that on your homie Abe since before he left that night he told me to hang in there and you’ll come back around. I guess he was wrong or you were too drunk saying things you felt about me that I guess just don’t matter anymore. I’m sorry that I blew up when I was worried about you. I just wasn’t in the right headspace thinking I had to care so much. I’m sure I still matter to you somewhere in your heart but I’m going to ruin your current happiness. You did tell me you would do this to protect your space and that’s on me for holding on to hope. Either way, whatever happens in this world, if you ever need me for anything or you just want to check up on me for some reason, there will forever always be space for you in my life and my heart. Whether it’s goodbye forever or for now, I’ll always have our memories.

I’m so fucking stupid. Yes, the weekend was full of fun but I royally fucked it up. I said so many stupid things. I tried so fucking hard to do everything right but it all seemed like none of it was right. It looked like I annoyed her more than I made her smile, laugh, omg laugh, she just didn’t like she used to. Like she was annoyed with everything I said. I wanted to say so much before I dropped her off but instead, I just held it in like usual. I should have had some kind of closure tonight but instead, I chickened out. Like usual, I am the reason for my own despair. I cause my own problems by being a problem. So, as she has said, I’m going to leave it at the rail. If she chooses to say anything to me in the next couple of days or not. It’ll all be up to her. I’m done reaching out. I’m done breaking my own heart. If I keep going down this path, I will ultimately kill myself. Either physically or emotionally. One or the other will happen, but the latter feels like it already has. I’m so fucking stupid I swear.

I’m here with her now. Just the two of us and yet, I still miss her. She’s right there and I miss her.

Last week I felt like I had the happiest and the most confusing night of my life in a while. I went over to hangout with Emily as we ate and drank. It was a good time of talking and watching her show but then her friend wanted to come by and spill a bunch tea he had no one else he could tell. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about with him and I choose to believe her. They talked about things and then they decided to talk about things without me, which absolutely made me nuts with jealousy but, I trusted her. I know that I have no claim to her since we are not together, but I do trust her. The night went on, she was drunker than ever and well it got to a point where her friend was telling me about how she’ll be back with me again at some point. After he left, we cuddle for a bit while she was drunk and I was just trying to make sure she was going to be ok. She had to puke and I was there to help hold her hair back. Doing the things I expect me to do for her.

Well, today, I wanted to do something with her while she went and got the bike she wanted. I knew she was extremely tired from work and probably wasn’t just going to go out of her way to get, so I brought her there. She was a little distant. It would appear, the alcohol revealed more about how she felt about me and without it, her intentions to be on her own instead were much stronger, I think. I don’t know. Just how I felt. After her crazy week, I wasn’t going to push it.

Well, anyways, we get to the dealership and they didn’t have anymore of the bike she wanted. The bike I want is still there but this whole needing to buy a new house is getting in the way. It’ll have to wait until I can figure out what’s going on with that.

Anyways, I guess this means I’m still alive. I’m still, depressed. The only thing that really brings me true happiness is doing things for her. So nothing there has changed. Just more depressed than usual.

I’m so fucking stupid. I honestly just wish that she’ll come over and just cuddle up beside me. Nothing more would be needed. Just to hold her in my arms again. Just cuddle. Like we used to.

I should be happy in my soul

Yet all I feel is hurt

All I feel is coal

This coal ready to fire

Fire up my life

Tell me everything is going to be alright

It’s not burning

It’s not shining

It’s got no fuel to bring good tidings

What good is a heart

When your fears are misguided ?

What good is the soul

When it’s empty and tired?

I look at my life now

So cold and lonely

I realize late, it was me

The me who hates himself

The me that can’t see the good he deserves

Even when it’s shining so brightly

Why should he be happy?

Why should he smile?

The one that mattered most

The one that made him happy

Just memories now

Memories of the one he didn’t capture.

He let his emotions and fear

Get in the way of something dear

Now he’s alone starting feel like stone

Where does it go from here?

What does it even matter?

Why am I still here?