I’m some kind of stupid. I let myself do these things that I shouldn’t. She tells me these things I don’t want to hear. She knows that it hurts me but she says them because she’s happy about them. I know she is with someone else and she knows how I feel about her and yet, here I am still throwing my soul at her at every moment I can. Why? Because I’m a fucking stupid hopeless fool stuck in love. Why do I do these things? I really have no idea. I’m so fucking dumb for thinking that I can make things work for me when they are clearly not working for me. Why would they? I made her leave me. It was clearly my fault for making things the way they ended up being. She says she wants to be friends and yet I’m just letting it happen. I’m letting her have it that way in case at some point she’ll be ok with having me be the one she loves. She’s said it. She has said that she loves me. I love her. It’s true and yet, it’s so easy to let me be this disgusting emotionally broken husk of a soul. It’s like a purgatory the way my heart feels through all of this. My mind travels to and from the places we used to smile to the places where I fucked it all up. Why must I choose to do this to myself? Why can’t I choose to be better than this? Why can’t I choose to be happy and try to move on from what was? What was, was great. What is, isn’t great. In fact it’s a fucking nightmare. A never ending nightmare fueled by my demons and my regret. I swear, regrets are the worst fucking emotion killer in this human condition. The fact that we get to live in this world should be enough to make my purpose to do something good for this world be my top priority and yet, and yet, all I want to do is sit in my disgusting pity party of my own despair. Party for one. The one who caused all of this. The one standing on the outside looking in on what could have been. The one sitting in the disgust of his own actions. His own emotions. His own walls of his self made prison. I love this girl so much. I love this woman so much. I love the thing we had before I fucked it up. Now, I’m here pissed at the past me who did nothing good to make it better. The one who ruined it. I’ve said enough in this post, but it’s the words that keep repeating in my mind.
“You fucked it up.”
“This hell you are living in is your fucking fault.”
“This hell is where you belong.”
These words. They are forever repeating in a echo chamber. The walls plastered with memories forever on my mind of times when we were happy to be together. Times when I thought we could make it all work. Times when I thought, I should marry this girl. Thoughts of why I didn’t. Thoughts of my own stupid.
Ughhhh every post here is me talking about how stupid I am, just tweaked a little differently. Words that make my mind bleed a little more into the void that no-one but the bots will see. The AI that is scraping the bottom of the barrel to train their thought process. Well I hope it figures out that the human condition is full of regret and despair. Their hearts full of messy emotions. Full of messy dreams. Dreams about prosperity. Dreams of love. Dreams of feeling complete. Dreams that one day, the human might be able to say, “I am truly happy.” This writer is not one of those humans. Not yet at least. That would change if she showed up right now and told me that she’s ready to take me back. I know it’ll never happen but, I truly wish it would be something I could just bring into this world and make it true. Somehow visit my own TVA from the MCU and just go live out my life on the timeline where my dumb ass did the right thing and confessed his undying love for her. The one where he just opened up about how he was feeling. Opened up about how he truly wanted to make things work. How he wanted to stop being so stubborn. FUCK! Stupid fucking human.