I keep doing this to myself. I know it’s not what she wants but also, I’m not getting what I want. She knows I love her and yet she keeps leaving me in the “I care about you but we’re not doing that again” place. I have no idea if she’s actually happy with who ever she’s with or just being stubborn trying to not be with me. I know it’s not out of spite. I know it’s not out of hate but my heart yearns so much for what we had. My heart hurts so much for what we could have had. We have fun when we have fun but there’s a wall between that fun. The wall of some other fucking guy of whom a fucking despise only because he’s there taking from my heart. The heart I broke because of my own stupidity. The heart I broke because I wasn’t capable of opening up at the time. Now she’s trying to live some life and I’m trying not to die. Trying not to just kill my soul because the torture is what I deserve.