I’ve been told that I need to stop kicking my own ass all of the time. I’m really trying but it’s not been easy. I will say that doubling up on the meds has been helping I think. The extremely overly emotional and depressing feelings have been curbed a little but it doesn’t solve the regret I still hold close. I would like to stop feeling so much regret but what I want vs what I get are two different sides of a coin. I want what I lost back but I can’t have it. What I do have is her still close and in my life. Is that good? Probably not but if we’re searching for positive things about me, it’s that I care too much. It’s true and I’m not going to deny it. I’m obviously still staying around as long as she wants me around for that opportunity that maybe we can try again. I know I shouldn’t hold on to that hope but right now, it’s the only thing keeping my head above the water. I want to make sure I have enough will power to get me through the pain but not having her be mine is so fucking tough. I hate it.

It was her birthday yesterday and I’m sure she tolerated my kindness because of it. I was so touched the other night after I made a birthday room for her in game that she asked me to come sit with her. My heart felt so full in that moment. I get that it’s a silly virtual world with digital objects, but seeing her light up in the chat and responding to it made me feel so good. I know it wasn’t what I wanted it to be but it was something. Something to show that I do truly still love her. Think of her almost every waking minute of the day. I show so much kindness in my life but the one I want it to show for the most is her.

Unrequited as it may be, her smile is enough for me when I’m the one making her smile.